10/4/25

i want to give up on my dreams of making games. already. kinda pathetic but oh well.

ive come to a realization that my friends are, no longer really friends but people i talk to. and its not something i can communicate with them. its been asked of them before: maybe have a normal sleep schedule so i can talk to you more', 'please be honest with me if you hate my husband', and 'stop infantilizing me'. all been said before, multiple times. though never in a nice way, its always because i was pushed to a limit. but they keep doing it. so clearly they dont care about me.

i only have 4 friends. the two that do those things are part of it. i wont have anyone beyond the two. my husband, yes, but, im with him more than i like to allow myself to think. we live together.

i wanted to make a game or two. a 3d model or two. i can do it. i started it already, documentation, concept art, i would even have a map build in progress before i was required to change my hard drive because my shitty gaming laptop fried it.

i dont have anything to show for. and i have no fucking job. no car. i cant leave the fucking house ever. i dont want to live on this fucking farm anymore.

i have what? video games. i dont wanna fucking stream again, but its a source of income. i dont wanna have to use the same username others have smeared with the vile venom of false accusations! but what can i fucking do???? if i dont interact with another human im worried im going to kill myself.

i cant kill myself, because i know what will happen when i do. but as i get lost in my delusions i can only grow closer and fucking closer to

8/25/25

I've been obsessed with horror videos on YouTube again! I've been scouring through creepy RPGMaker games, ARG game content, and getting summaries and theories about games and series I saw that looked cool. Recently, I've been getting into the Obscure Animal Crossing Wild World OST series by sepiatone. I'm so obsessed with it I've decided to make a game. I''ve had very little practice with game development, with both of the projects I've so far come up with both being delayed due to not even being started correctly... Pidgeon Game 64 was started on an older hard drive, the project being accidentally wiped because I didn't' remember to back up both the prototype build and model of the player character. And my second project I didn't get around to a test build because I had too much fun worldbuilding and haven't even properly written the script..!! I'm such a horrible developer- waugh! ヽ(*。>Д<)o゜

My drive to do something is greater than before, this time. While both of my previous projects are currently back to or still on square one, this project, which I've decided to call Eden's Valley for the time being, is something that I myself want to play! So I'm curating my own gameplay experience and I'll be trying to make it available for everyone.. At least, the Demo will be free. If the demo has enough support, I'll make a kickstarter campaign so I can just focus on working on this for a long time. [^^]

I REALLY need to also force myself to work harder on my Gallery, as I really need to edit the layout so bad... I also think I need to edit the CSS, but I can't even remember how I did that.

8/16/25

Hi y'all! Today marks the beginning of my HTML and general coding adventure. Right now, the internet is starting to go through a really really bad Dark Age. Censorship and fascism are overruning the primarily american web, and it''s starting to become a large problem for me as a mentally ill transgender Hawaiian man... I'm going to work better on things I personally enjoy- coding, drawing, making videos- and try to make it acessible to people in a safer spot. My page. I can spread news all I like about things I'm concerned about here without worrying about being banned off any website for sneezing in a Nazi's general direction..

For starters, I need to work out how to better store all of my OC artwork, and figure out how to post my artwork here anyways. I'm sure I can figure it out with some help from other coders on other websites! Then, I'll happily start making better graphics for this, as I have a bigger vision but 0 idea on how to properly execute it. I don't really have premium neocities so I can only do so much right now. I think I forgot my donate button..? Not sure. I'll look at it soon!

I think the hardest part about this is frankly gonna be the isolation. I won't have anything but Discord to be able to check on my friends... And a few of them I just. Don't talk to anyways...

...

Ah.. I'm scared.